anxiety dream

This is probably tmi.


You know those anxiety dreams that you're standing around your elementary school in just your white underwear?  I tend to have a million different versions of them.  Particularly when I'm anxious.  Last night I had that dream in miscarriage form:

I was visiting at a friend's house (a very laid back friend, at that) and went to her basement to find G, my 17 month old.  When I found her I found black stuff all around her mouth. I searched around for what she had eaten, then saw a bottle of rat poison in G's hand.  I went ballistic and began searching for a number for poison control or the hospital, meanwhile my friend wiped the evidence off G's face and reassured me that "now she's fine!"  After precious long minutes of finding the number, dialing wrong numbers, poison control not answering, hospital lines busy, I finally got ahold of someone on poison control.  They told me that she can take ipecac (the medicine that makes you throw up) but it will be "violent" throwing up, and it may do her more harm than good since she is so little.  .....  woke up in a sweat. ....

I then realized that I'm anxious.  Tomorrow (St. Patty's Day) I have to go to my doctor to take medicine.  I haven't technically "miscarried," there was just no sign of life at my last appointment.  I had three choices- wait it out, take medicine, or get surgery.  Waiting it out was risky and didn't seem to be happening.  The DNC (surgery) seemed invasive and reminded me of abortions, which thoroughly depressed me.  The option I was left with was taking the medicine.

Here are the parallels, just in case they are not as clear to you as they are to me:  My baby= my baby.  Rat poison= medicine to be taken tomorrow.  Friend= "everyone goes through it"/ the unknown.  No medical assistance= I take the medicine, go home and wait.  "Violent" throwing up= Doctor saying that it's worse than a period, not as bad as labor.

I'm nervous.

This ain't last year's St Patty's Day.  <-- real link to my blog from last year.  Have I scarred you all with all those sketchy links?  Sorry.

By the way, if I haven't made it around to your blog yet to personally thank you, I want to let everyone know how much I appreciated the support and kind words through this bad Bad time.  Thanks for not being awkward, thanks for just letting me write what I had to write.  a) it was a lot of emotion b) I'm a terrible story teller :)  and furthermore, thanks for showing me so much virtual love!

Bugs down, bottoms up

First off, please stop being stubborn and enter the giveaway!  Last chance!

*****

I think I've hurdled the hump of gardening.  I've never been a gardener, but always wished that I was.  My dad has a great garden with tomatoes and onions and carrots and strawberries and a peach tree- and that's just mentioning the edible stuff.  His flowers and bushes are beautiful and he and my mom put in lots of time and effort for their garden.  I always imagined that is how owning a home would be for me too.  (cut Somewhere Over the Rainbow)  We have deer that eat anything other than hydrangeas and some other flower that I forget, the plants that I try to raise die, and most importantly I've always been afraid of bugs.  My summertime punishment growing up was to weed the garden.  Being afraid of bugs made that job hell.  Deep sea diving with sharks sans cage sounded better.  (not that it was an option)

So I'm still on that faux homeschooling mother earth is wondaful mom kick.  Which means the girls and I are outside a lot; which means I'm trying to point out the extraordinary in the ordinary; which means I kinda semi have to get down and dirty; which means BUGS.  Ants are the only things that are okay.  Butterflies are OUT so don't mention it.  One is fluttering by you and you think, okay, I'll dodge it and go to the left and vroom it goes to the left and then you're like, oh 'scuse me, I'll go to the right and bam they're aiming for your face then you're like OH SHIT EVERYONE HIT THE DECK and that's when it decides to land on that beautiful butterfly infested lilac bush right outside your front door.  They all get scared and you realize you're in butterfly hell because now they're all flying in everywhichway direction and really all butterflies are are really juicy hairy caterpillars that fly.  And you know how insects can manage to squeeze through anything well you can only imagine Oh! The Places They'll go! like up or down your pants.

So like I was saying I've had to act brave and courageous around all creatures of God so my girls may not end up as neurotic as I.  Lo and behold, it worked!  Acting courageous made me courageous.  So today I confidently put on my new (read: what I bought last year and never opened) gardening gloves and started pulling weeds like they was nobody biznit.

My next hurdle: Overcoming the inevitable 'initiation to motherhood' pose:

What's black and red and all over my house?

Oh, just the bane of my existence.  Called ladybugs.  Everywhere.

If you think this is cute, or funny, or you're just apathetic, you're wrong wrong wrong.  And I think you need to go to therapy because that is MESSED up if you don't mind ladybugs crawling everywhere.  I'll tell you where they are-  they're on the chair I'm sitting in and they're on our backdoor and windows and walls walls walls (sorry if this is turning into a children's book book book)

I've always hated bugs.  Any. sort. of. bug.  But imagine the day that I found out that not only do ladybugs crawl around and have antennae, but they FLY too?  That took away the 9% in me that might've been able to stand them.

And THEN imagine me in high school wondering why it was so dark in the hallways, just to realize that it was because ladybugs were infesting the windows to such a degree that it wouldn't let light in.  Sick Sick Sick.

To make matters that much worse, imagine having three girls (one of which does not care) and the other two scared of the damn insects and wanting ME to take care of the problem.  I'm not sure what's worse- having bugs around or trying to smush them.

"I don't want the ladybugs to get me"
"ladybugs won't get you"
"I sceered of ladybugs"
"No reason to be scared of ladybu... EEHHAHHHHHHHH!" as a ladybug flies towards my face.

what's the secret to ridding these nasty (but cute looking) creatures?

eh, at least they're not centipedes.

i won't disgrace you with a nasty picture. 

First Snow

The girls have been talking about the first snow for a while now.  What a way to welcome December 1st!  We ate oatmeal and hot cocoa (isn't that what you're supposed to do on snowy days?) and I sent them out.  
I didn't squelch their spirits by telling them that they'd step in the snow and it'd magically turn to mud

Apple Picking

This is how we spent our afternoon.

Despite what this picture says, Mr. Incredible picked most of the apples while the girls and I took pictures of ourselves. They wanted dinner and I didn't want to go into labor. (We have a birthday to celebrate tomorrow!)

Stay tuned for some mean apple recipes.

Maid of the Mist

We only live a half hour from Niagara Falls, so it is crazy that Mr. Incredible had never been on the Maid of the Mist. So I'm sure you can guess what we did for our Labor Day. Yes! We went on the Maid of the Mist! It was the girls first time on a boat, and they were super excited. I recommend to anyone visiting Buffalo/Niagara region to spend $13.75 and hop on that boat! You get wet, it's thrilling and it is an experience.

I didn't mention. It's beautiful. Better than pictures that you've seen. I'll never get sick of visiting the Falls.

Any true Western New Yorker will direct you to La Hacienda Italian Restaurant in Niagara Falls. (or at least that is what I was raised to believe).

Great Italian food with lots of Mexican decor. A little mentally jarring, wouldn't you say?!?

It was a good day

Name this Flower

I am shamefully bad at knowing what the names of flowers and plants are. I can identify mums, daisies, snap dragons and impatients. Anything beyond those is VERY hit or miss. Does anyone know what these are? We have gardens across the street from our house, and we are graced with the sight of them out our front window. But I want them in my garden! They meet all of my criteria: big, beautiful, bushes, colorful, and deer resistant (evidently because they are across the street from my house). Help me! Help me!

(And if they are something very common that everyone knows except ME then feel free to spare me some humiliation by using the scientific name ;-) )