This is probably tmi.
You know those anxiety dreams that you're standing around your elementary school in just your white underwear? I tend to have a million different versions of them. Particularly when I'm anxious. Last night I had that dream in miscarriage form:
I was visiting at a friend's house (a very laid back friend, at that) and went to her basement to find G, my 17 month old. When I found her I found black stuff all around her mouth. I searched around for what she had eaten, then saw a bottle of rat poison in G's hand. I went ballistic and began searching for a number for poison control or the hospital, meanwhile my friend wiped the evidence off G's face and reassured me that "now she's fine!" After precious long minutes of finding the number, dialing wrong numbers, poison control not answering, hospital lines busy, I finally got ahold of someone on poison control. They told me that she can take ipecac (the medicine that makes you throw up) but it will be "violent" throwing up, and it may do her more harm than good since she is so little. ..... woke up in a sweat. ....
I then realized that I'm anxious. Tomorrow (St. Patty's Day) I have to go to my doctor to take medicine. I haven't technically "miscarried," there was just no sign of life at my last appointment. I had three choices- wait it out, take medicine, or get surgery. Waiting it out was risky and didn't seem to be happening. The DNC (surgery) seemed invasive and reminded me of abortions, which thoroughly depressed me. The option I was left with was taking the medicine.
Here are the parallels, just in case they are not as clear to you as they are to me: My baby= my baby. Rat poison= medicine to be taken tomorrow. Friend= "everyone goes through it"/ the unknown. No medical assistance= I take the medicine, go home and wait. "Violent" throwing up= Doctor saying that it's worse than a period, not as bad as labor.
This ain't last year's St Patty's Day. <-- real link to my blog from last year. Have I scarred you all with all those sketchy links? Sorry.
By the way, if I haven't made it around to your blog yet to personally thank you, I want to let everyone know how much I appreciated the support and kind words through this bad Bad time. Thanks for not being awkward, thanks for just letting me write what I had to write. a) it was a lot of emotion b) I'm a terrible story teller :) and furthermore, thanks for showing me so much virtual love!